Module 1 Module 2 Module 3 Module 4 Module 5 Module 6

Defensiveness

How to Spot It, How To Stop It: Learn to Communicate Easily
And Effectively

Now you have identified that your Rowing Style is Defensiveness, here's Dawn to tell you more about it

 

Module 1

Journalling Moment

Give yourself time to work through things in your own head. Go back to the most recent row with your partner - can you identify how you reacted? Use th list below to help you.

Here are some traits of defensive Behaviour. do you recognise any of these when you row?

Select any or all that apply based on what you have journalled.

When Someone Requests Something Of You, Do You:

  • Pushback
  • Behave badly
  • Respond with anger
  • Roll your eyes, sigh or laugh
  • Call them names
  • Personal attack
  • Imitate them or tease them
  • Resort to Tit-for-Tat

What’s Behind Your Defensiveness?

You defend yourself because

  • You feel overwhelmed
  • You feel personally attacked
  • You feel ambushed
  • You feel the request is unfair
  • You feel the request is unreasonable
  • You're Made To Feel Like The Naughty Boy/Girl
  • You Feel Like You're Always Being Picked On

When Does Your Defensiveness Occur?

Which of these wind you up when your partner wants to discuss them?

  • Time keeping/lateness
  • Forgetting dates
  • Housework/Household chores
  • Going out with friends
  • Talking about the relationship and how it is working for you both
  • Arranging time alone together/requests for more closeness
  • Moving through a difficult time
  • Parenting/Parental Duties

Journalling Moment

What sort of things not included above does your partner want to talk about and how does it make you feel when they want to talk about them?

Complete

Module 2

The Reasons
Why Defensiveness Happens

Everybody in every argument is seeking to protect themselves or keep themselves safe in some way because conflict naturally puts most people on edge.

So people who are defensive
  • Are frightened to take responsibility for things
  • Are feeling strong/uncomfortable feelings in that moment
  • Are defending or protecting their feelings
  • So deflect those feelings onto something or someone elses

By acting this way, Defensive people try to duck out of their part in the issue. If you are Defensive you want your partner to sort out the issue at hand but in truth, what you are doing is forcing them to take responsibility for your feelings about the issue. The argument might look like it's about The Laundry, but it's really about the meaning you have given to The Laundry and your feelings about it.

Every action begins with a feeling to bring it to life.

You're Halfway Through The Course! You're Doing 
So Well. Keep Going. Dawn is right beside you

Complete

Let Dawn Show You How To Self-Soothe

This will make you calmer, less reactive and more able to communicate your side of things as well as hear your partner clearly. 

 
 

Tune into your feelings, name them if you can and locate where you feel them in the body.

Box breathe to release tension and introduce relaxation in the mind and body

Once you've reached that place of calm and serenity you'll be able to understand and voice your own needs with quiet confidence. You'll also be able to listen more clearly to others without feeling so nervous.

Soothing your body and mind will help you understand how you process and show emotion, as well as shedding light on how you respond to external events. This is the first step in taking responsibility for yourself and your actions.

Module 3

Why Are They Attacking Me?

There is A difference between an identity issue which speaks to the person and a behavioral issue which speaks to what they do or not do, say or not say.

Journalling Moment

Identify three times when you felt you had to defend yourself to your partner. How many times was the row about something you did/didn’t do, or say/didn’t say as opposed to something about the way you are as a person? How does this make you feel as you journal?

What you have journalled may have created strong feelings in you, which is perfectly okay. All feelings are valid because you feel them - there's no wrong or right way to feel about things, just your way.

Complete

Module 4

It’s Not What They’re Saying, It’s What You Think They’re Saying

In an argument the defensive person tend to feels what their partner expresses as a personal attack on them. They react forcefully because they feel like they're experiencing a character assassination. But most of the time, the argument/issue is not about you as a person!

Journalling Moment

When you and your partner row, what do you believe they are telling you about yourself? Because chances are when a row begins you're already primed to react in a way that isn’t about what they are going to say. It is about something else, and that something else is what the Defensive person feels about themselves.

Understand that usually the statement or criticism is not a personal attack, it's just a highly-charged way of trying to communicate with you. However, did you know that a request lies within any complaint? Try and find the request your partner was trying to make during your last row.

Complete

Module 5

Now that you have gone through the self-soothe exercise it will feel easier to review one of the scenarios from your journal.

Allow yourself to feel any emotions that come up when you look back. How did the exchange make you feel? What do you think the request behind the complaint was?

Keep in mind that it is very unlikely that they were trying to be cruel, it's more likely they were trying to find a solution or a way forward.

Remember that your feelings are valid and you are not 'the problem. There is no failure, just feedback - as Dawn explains in the next module.

Complete

Module 6

Good Communication Takes Practice

Let's go through the scenario you chose from your journal one more time. Now you can self-soothe and now you have the mantra in place. You will be able to listen more calmly and hear your partner’s words clearly. You'll be able to focus on what they're saying without being overwhelmed by your feelings. And now here comes the really brave part: might you have contributed to this situation in some way? Is there some truth or validity in their statement/request, even a little?

Accept and admit your role in the matter. And just as importantly, admit your role in the matter to your partner. This will defuse a lot of tension and send a clear and positive message that you want to work with them for the good of the relationship, not against them.

Complete

Going Forward Together With Confidence

If your partner does want to discuss something with you, discuss a soft start-up with them before the discussion takes place. For you, Starting Gently means scheduling times for discussion that suit both of you. This will ensure that you don't feel ambushed and gives you a chance to prepare and self-soothe. This will make the discussion easier for both of you.

  • Be calm and be open to what's being said - it's rarely a personal attack
  • Help your partner in the conversation by asking them what request lies at the heart of this discussion. What are they really asking for?
  • Work together to find a way forward that works for both of you. Relationships are about mutual solutions, not compromise
  • Once you have decided on a way forward that is a good fit for both of you, act on or plan for it as quickly as you both can, from s space of love and friendship

You've Completed The Course. Well Done You! Here's a few closing remarks from Dawn to take away with you.